Make your boundaries known
Earn a dotted-line map of what you cannot accept
Just hold on loosely
But don’t let go
If you cling too tightly
You’re gonna lose control
–38 Special, “Hold On Loosely”
When another human bumps into your boundaries, you have to say something. Unspoken boundaries aren’t boundaries. Boundaries begin when spoken. You must make your boundaries known.
I don’t like getting advice when I didn’t ask for it.
The air of a request, but it's a statement oriented around feelings. No mention of "sorry," "please," or "you." A boundary is a fence; you must show where it lies.
This fence needn't be barbed, but a bumped boundary is tender for all parties. You are not automatically a victim, nor is the bumper a villain. You simply made contact.
It’s your duty to frame the feedback process to protect your creative spirit. It’s simply part of being a functional human adult with boundaries. You would never accept notes on your appearance or personality during a critique, would you?
–You do not welcome all feedback
To make your boundaries known is to educate the relationship.
The ideal response is a version of “Understood.” Sometimes the bumper can get defensive. Even if you express yourself calmly, they will hear your expression as an attack and cast themselves as the victim:
You don’t have to be rude about it
How was I supposed to know?
I can’t do anything right
They might kvetch, cry, or leave; it does not affect your boundary. You’re still obligated to make it known. You might even hear:
But you do this too!
Probably true. You bump boundaries in every relationship. Respond with grace:
You’re right. Even so, I need to express when something doesn’t work for me.
And if that doesn’t work, try a direct question:
Does this mean you refuse to respect this boundary?
The bumper might delve into ancient history, re-litigating old conflicts. You must bring it back to the here and now. Your goal is to defend this one checkpoint.
If you do this consistently, you will earn a dotted-line map of the things you can and cannot accept. Your boundaries.
Defend this border indeed, but keep your identity fluid. Not everything that bumps you is bad. To grow you must hold on loosely. (But don’t let go.)
👌👌Worth a try